diary

A hole in a basket

When I look at my life right now, I feel useless.

And when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel disgusted.

Is that me?

I can find happiness all around me but not within me.

I am not myself and that is the hole in the basket.

I can’t be myself. 

I can’t speak my language. 

I can’t express the way I believe.

I smile for the things I’m not enjoying.

I cry over non-sense thing in other’s eyes.

I laugh just because it’s odd not to laugh at that moment.

I cheerfully talk just to kill the silence and awkwardness.

This is painful.

I am trying very hard to fit into this place. 

And to take every possible opportunity to be so many things I think I can transform myself into.

But more and more I realize.. I can’t stop being me. 

It’s not a choice. It’s not an option.

I really can’t

I may fill the basket with many good things and opportunities.

But the hole of not being myself is there 

And the basket will aways be empty.

It’s such a big hole.