I thought I was ready to give up dance.
I thought It would be fun to teach yoga.
to see happiness in the eyes of students.
When I was a dancer I denied calling myself a dancer.
‘It is too shallow’, I thought.
I knew I wanted to be a yoga teacher. I thought I knew.
Then I was happy calling myself an artist when I worked in Singapore
As I could see happiness in people’s eyes
From what we did which was more than just dance
and I felt my life as an artist was finally useful
without having to quit doing things I enjoy.
But there were some undeniable reasons
which made me quit my job
It was painful
but I thought I could cope with it
I would turn myself into a yoga teacher.
A full time one.
I thought I was ready.
Now people call me a yoga teacher.
Funny, I hear my heart cries, ‘I’m not’.
And that means..
I’m not a yogi.
I’m not that calm.
I’m not ready.
And worst, I’m not myself.
Though I can still see happiness in people’s eyes
But happiness in my eyes are running dry.
It shouldn’t be like this.
My life is out of balance.
And the stage door has not closed.
I still can turn back if I don’t wait for too long.
But how? Now people call me yoga teacher
And they want me to stay
to facilitate their practice
No I’m not that important
But I don’t want to leave them for the second time
(I did it when I left for Singapore 5 years ago.)
But how to facilitate people to help them find their inner energy
while knowing myself that I am not living my true life.
The word karma yoga comes back to my thought.
The doing things for other people with detachment from its outcome.
This is karma yoga.. to run a studio and provide classes for them
This is the business that I need to take care
I need to run it for people who want to do yoga
I am not trying to be rich from this business
I just cannot leave them now
This is my duty
I may not be a yoga teacher at the end
but I know this is one of my missions
to have classes available for them
to come to yoga
to find themselves
to be more peaceful
to be more comfortable within their bodies
Yes I want to run away
But I have work to do
I’ll do it first then I’ll run away
back to a life that I know how to live
I need to do it fast
fast enough to make it in time
before the stage door closes down.
I’ll go back.
I’ll go back to live my true life.