yogi

LET ME SAY | My (not) yoga journal

I thought I was ready to give up dance.

I thought It would be fun to teach yoga.

to see happiness in the eyes of students.

When I was a dancer I denied calling myself a dancer.

‘It is too shallow’, I thought. 

I knew I wanted to be a yoga teacher. I thought I knew.

….

Then I was happy calling myself an artist when I worked in Singapore

As I could see happiness in people’s eyes

From what we did which was more than just dance 

and I felt my life as an artist was finally useful

without having to quit doing things I enjoy.

….

But there were some undeniable reasons 

 which made me quit my job

It was painful 

but I thought I could cope with it

I would turn myself into a yoga teacher.

A full time one.

I thought I was ready.

….

Now people call me a yoga teacher. 

Funny, I hear my heart cries, ‘I’m not’. 

And that means.. 

I’m not a yogi. 

I’m not that calm. 

I’m not ready. 

And worst, I’m not myself.

Though I can still see happiness in people’s eyes

But happiness in my eyes are running dry.

It shouldn’t be like this.

My life is out of balance.

And the stage door has not closed. 

I still can turn back if I don’t wait for too long.

But how? Now people call me yoga teacher

And they want me to stay

to facilitate their practice

No I’m not that important

But I don’t want to leave them for the second time

(I did it when I left for Singapore 5 years ago.)

But how to facilitate people to help them find their inner energy

while knowing myself that I am not living my true life.

….

The word karma yoga comes back to my thought.

The doing things for other people with detachment from its outcome.

This is karma yoga.. to run a studio and provide classes for them

This is the business that I need to take care

I need to run it for people who want to do yoga

I am not trying to be rich from this business

I just cannot leave them now

This is my duty 

I may not be a yoga teacher at the end

but I know this is one of my missions

to have classes available for them

to come to yoga

to practice

to find themselves

to be more peaceful

to be more comfortable within their bodies

….

Yes I want to run away

But I have work to do

I’ll do it first then I’ll run away

back to a life that I know how to live

I need to do it fast 

fast enough to make it in time

before the stage door closes down.

….

I’ll go back.

I’ll go back to live my true life.

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